Tony and I like to read one talk from the past general conference each night before going to bed. Last night's talk had a powerful impact on me. It was the first talk from the Priesthood session,
"Fathers and Sons: A Remarkable Relationship," by Elder M. Russell Ballard. I realize that most of my readers are women, but if any men are reading, this article is a must-read for you. You may say, "Oh, I went to Priesthood session. Ya, I heard it. Good talk." Sorry. That's not good enough. Re-read it and maybe set some goals to better follow Elder Ballard's counsel. Female blog readers, encourage your husbands and priesthood-aged sons to read this one. I just think that if fathers and sons would have the quality of relationships that Elder Ballard is describing, our families, church, and society would be so much better!
This talk also made me decide to go ahead and blog about relationships--something I've been thinking about quite a lot in the past little while. I know that I am not an overly (or even adequately) friendly person. This is something weighing heavily on my mind as I begin thinking about my new year's resolutions for the coming year. However, I do enjoy good relationships with all the members of my family. This is very important to me. There is a question about this in the temple recommend interview, and it is one that I contemplate often and take very seriously. It saddens me when I see mothers and daughters, fathers and sons, or siblings who do not have quality relationships with each other. These are the people that will always be there for us, and will be with us (hopefully) for eternity. We need to do all we can to make sure that these relationships are the best ones we have. Although I am not any kind of expert on relationships, I do feel like I have learned a lot about realtionships in the past ten years. Leaving my family and going out on my own gave me a new perspective as well as the added challenge to maintain relationships with my family members when I don't see them daily. I will TRY to briefly explain a few relationships truths that I have learned.
1. The only person you can control is you. I often hear people say that their relationship with another person could be better IF that other person would (fill in the blank). If you are going to wait around for somebody else to do something differently, you could be waiting a long time. If you want to have quality relationships, you have to be proactive.
2. The things you do and say have an impact on others' feelings, and YOU are responsible for whatever that result may be. For a long time, I was guilty of saying, "Well, she shouldn't feel like that about it," or "I wouldn't be that upset if someone said that to me." This is how I justified hurting other people's feelings. If I didn't THINK they should feel that way, then I could continue to do or say whatever I wanted. I see this happen all the time. You have to deal with the reality. I said or did something, and the result was that it hurt another person. I need to apologize and not do or say that thing again. This was a powerful realization for me.
3. When I learned the concept of a "Relationship Bank Account" from
The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, it opened my eyes and I was finally able to see what the problem was with my fragile relationship with one particular sister. It seemed that our relationship was always one wrong move away from being damaged. I had justified it for years by saying, "Oh, she's just overly sensitive. My other sister doesn't get so upset about me doing that same thing to her." But the problem wasn't with my sister--it was with me. A relationship bank account works just like a regular bank account. You put in deposits and make withdrawls frequently. The difference is that you have MANY accounts. You have one with every single person you know, and the balance of that account depends on how many deposits you've made (positive words, actions, shared experiences, etc.) compared to how many withdrawls you've made (negative words, actions, attitudes, etc.). When I learned about this concept, it really clicked. My account with this one sister was always in the red--not necessarily because I was taking a huge number of withdrawls, but because I wasn't making enough deposits. Make sense? Things have improved as I have tried to make more deposits and minimize withdrawls.
4. Apologizing and forgiving are
essential in fixing and maintaining quality relationships. And these two actions do NOT depend on the other person. This past summer, I was talking and laughing about childhood memories with my sisters. However, the memories began focusing a lot on how mean I was to one of my brothers. Although it was years ago, and I thought he had forgiven me, I realized that I had never really told him that I was sorry. I left the room, got on the phone, and called him. I told him I was sorry, and he said, "For what?" I then explained how badly I felt remembering the way I had treated him, and that I was truly sorry for that. He kind of laughed, and when my sisters realized what I was doing, they laughed, too. But it was actually a very serious moment for me. Although he had already forgiven me, I needed to apologize and he needed to hear me say it. I was glad I did it. Now, about forgiveness. Forgiveness is not dependent on another person's apology or admission of guilt. Forgiveness is not to bring peace to the offender--it is for the offended. We need to forgive whether or not forgiveness has been asked for. And even better, we can do our best to not get upset with others in the first place. I've heard my mom say, "You can
try to offend me, but you probably can't." I like that. Also, Connor has been a great example to me this fall of giving others the benefit of the doubt. He has one boy in his class that misbehaves a LOT. Connor never says anything negative about this boy, but just tells me that he must not have gone to preschool, so maybe he's just still learning how to act at school. How often do we look past other people's actions to the possible reasons why, and give them the benefit of the doubt?
Well, that ended up being quite the epistle. But I feel like as I focus on these relationship concepts (or TRUTHS, in my book), my relationships improve. I hope that each of you have fabulous relationships with all members of your family, but if not, why don't YOU do somthing to fix them? You're the only one who can. And what better Christmas gift could you give somebody important in your life than to mend a broken relationship or improve one that needs to be better?
My favorite gift was a surprise from Tony--a beautiful picture of the Salt Lake temple to go above our bed in my newly decorated bedroom. This picture, of course, doesn't do it justice, and the wall color still looks NOTHING like the real thing. Oh well. You get the idea.
