I heard something this morning about a lady I know that shocked me and made me think, "What?!? I thought she had it all together in every way. She has five beautiful kids, a fun little business she runs out of her home, and always a smile when I see her. How could her life not be perfect?"
But, of course, nobody's is. That's one of the problems with blogging. We tend to always put our best face forward, only show the cutest pictures of ourselves or our kids (well, most people do, but my kids usually look like orphans, even on my blog!), and only tell about the most exciting parts of our lives.
But as a blog reader, I always appreciate finding out somebody else's imperfections in their life. It makes me feel like it's okay if mine isn't always perfect. It's not that I hope people don't have it all together--it just helps me feel like I'm still okay if I don't. I also can usually learn something from them in the way they have dealt with what life has handed them. I feel like this sharing can be helpful to both the writer and the reader.
And so I feel like it's time to share the imperfections of my life over the past year and a half or so.
I want to have a baby. And for one reason or another, I guess the time just isn't right. I know, right away, those who struggle with infertility will be saying, "You already have three! Aren't you grateful for that?" Of course I am--so grateful. And I don't even begin to compare my struggle with what you are going through, not in the least. But yet, this is my struggle.
In my perfect world, the one where I get to plan everything, including my family, Mariah would have had a younger sibling right around the time she turned two. We tried for that, and having been able to plan so perfectly my first three pregnancies, I was quick to get frustrated when after several months, I still was not pregnant. Then finally, last summer, I got pregnant. There. I had learned the lesson of patience and now I could have my sweet baby, just a few months later than I had hoped. But at six and a half weeks, I miscarried. I was so disappointed, sad, and frustrated. I had learned to be patient, right? Why would Heavenly Father make me wait to get pregnant only to have it end this way? I was full of questions that I didn't have answers for. But I moved forward and we tried again.
Once again, things didn't happen quickly. I had several talks during this time with a good friend who has gone through similar things and she just kept telling me that what we need to learn is that we are not in charge and that we need to trust in the Lord. I spent a lot of time thinking about this, pondering what it truly meant to put our trust in Him.
I'm a planner. I already know what I'm going to do first, second, third, etc. tomorrow morning. I know what I have planned for every week of this summer. I like to make plans and stick to them. But this was something that I could not plan. I had to learn to trust in someone else's plan instead. As each month passed and I wasn't pregnant, I had to ask myself, "Do you trust Him?" And with each month, the answer yes came a little more easily.
And then this April, I finally got the positive test. I was so excited! Around the first of the year, we would bring another baby into this world. I couldn't wait to tell the kids. But I decided to wait until I passed the 12 week mark since I was a little nervous about miscarrying again. The weeks passed and everything seemed good. I set up my first prenatal appointment and went in when I was ten weeks along. We went through all the routine questions, blood draw, etc. and then I waited for the doctor to come in and do the ultrasound. As I was alone in the room, I just said a simple prayer, "Heavenly Father, please let there be a heartbeat." I had never worried about that in previous pregnancies, but that day it was all I could think about.
He finally came in and started the ultrasound. As I looked at the screen, he identified the baby and then got quiet. I could tell right away that something wasn't right since I couldn't see any motion at all. He spent a few minutes looking for movement and specifically a heartbeat, but found none. He measured the baby and it measured to be over nine weeks. So if the heart truly wasn't beating, it must have just stopped in the past couple days. He sent me over to the radiology department for a more thorough ultrasound. As I talked with my doctor before leaving for the second ultrasound, I showed no emotion. I didn't want to get all worked up about it if everything was actually okay, and right now we really didn't know. So I kept it together. . . until I got into my van. Tears of fear ran down my face, but once again I told myself that we didn't truly know anything yet and that I just needed to calm down and get a second opinion.
The wait in the hospital seemed like forever, waiting to know the truth about this little one inside me. I said several prayers letting Heavenly Father know that although I wanted to have this baby more than anything, I had learned in the past year to trust in Him, and that wasn't going to change now. I felt peace as I said these prayers.
When we finally got the ultrasound brought up, the technician spent at least five minutes taking measurements and looking at different things before finally looking at the baby. I couldn't see the screen this time. He finally looked at the baby. He saw no heartbeat either, but technically couldn't rule that there was no heartbeat until he had watched for five minutes. I hated having to wait five minuted to hear what I already knew--this baby was gone from me. I kept my composure pretty well until he actually said, "I'm sorry, but there is no heartbeat." And then the tears flowed. But inside the only thing I felt was sadness--no anger, no questioning--just sadness. I truly felt like I trusted Heavenly Father's plan for our family. But no matter how much I trust, I still have my desires.
That night was tough. The next morning, I didn't know what else to do but go with the plan I had set for Tuesday, and that was to plant the garden. There couldn't have been a better thing for me to do. When you plant a garden, each seed is planted with hope. You don't know for sure if it will grow. All you can do is hope. And although I felt fairly hopeless the night before, by the time I had finished this therepeudic gardening day, I felt full of hope.
I don't know Heavenly Father's plan for my family. But I feel hopeful. He knows what is best for me and I am willing to put my trust in that.
I don't share this personal experience as a cry for sympathy. I only share this to hopefully help someone else realize that everyone has their trials in this life, and that often what we need to learn is to trust in our Heavenly Father. He knows us. He loves us. He wants what is best for us. He sees the big picture. We can't. We are extremely near-sighted. We need to acknowledge that and let Him be our guide.
And this is why Tony absolutely reeks after branding! YUCK!
Connor, being seven years old now, is pretty much a real rancher, complete with grubby baseball cap.
So he gets to be in the corral helping. He's the hander, handing all the tools to Grandpa as he needs them.
Mylie wasn't so sure about this method of branding at first.
But before long, all the kids were totally into it! They even cheered at times!
and even got in the saddle before the morning was through. Huge accomplishment for her!
. . . and some of this . . .
5. The following week, I headed to Cokeville for a long weekend. The girls and I left Wednesday afternoon, but Connor couldn't come this time since he still had a couple days of school left. Olivia graduated Wednesday night, which I still cannot believe (How has she gotten so much older when I haven't aged at all?!?), and then we stayed through Saturday night. Violet and her baby, Sedona, came up from Texas, so it was fun to visit with them. Tami was also there Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday, so I got to spend time with her as well, and the girls had a great time with their cousins. I also stayed through the weekend to help my mom with her annual plant sale, which I enjoy. I also get to pick my flowers first before the customers come--a bonus for being there to help on sale day! I also enjoyed a game night and a spa night and just had a fabulous weekend! 
6. Finally, this past weekend, I went with my mom and sister, Tami, to Time Out for Women, which was a Christmas gift from Tami and me to our Mom. It was in Pocatello, and we met up with my aunt Susie (Chad's wife) who lives there. She fed us and let us stay with them for the night and accompanied us to the Time Out. It was truly FABULOUS! If you haven't been, you should go to their website, 
Tami, Mom, me, Susie 
