Lessons Learned as the Coach's Wife

Earlier this basketball season, after a game, I was waiting patiently in the hallway, just down from the locker room as a parent was questioning Tony about a decision he had made regarding her son. One of the referees from the game, who I knew from Cokeville, approached me and said, "You must be a glutton for punishment! First, you're the daughter of a coach, then you become a coach yourself, and now you're a coach's wife!" I had to admit, he had a point. But I also felt like I could make the same observation about a person who would willingly choose to be a basketball referee. There are certain professions--coach, referee, and politician are the first that come to my mind--that lend themselves to a lot of public criticism. It's always been interesting (for lack of a better word) to me to see the way normally kind people can treat other adults in these positions. But I suppose it's part of the job, part that will probably never change.

So, what do I do with that? Knowing that no matter how much we care, or how hard we work, there will be criticism in regards to my coaching, as well as my husband's? In the past month or so, I have finally figured out just what to do with it. LEARN.

After every volleyball match or tournament, Angela (the head coach that I assist) always asks the girls, "So, what did you learn?" It doesn't matter if we killed a team, squeaked by them, or got annihilated, she asks this question. She tells them that experiences are wasted if we don't learn something from them. I agree.

About a month and a half ago, I was at a pretty low point, feeling sorry for Tony, and for myself for the way his season was going. I was hurt and even angry because of the criticism being hurled at him, when I knew how hard he was working. I began to wonder if coaching was worth it at all (even though deep down I knew it was). I even felt like it would be best for us to just get out of coaching all together and just lead our quiet lives here on the ranch, without being subject to any public scrutiny.  I even considered moving so that I wouldn't even have to see the people that had hurt me anymore.  But then peace came to me as I realized that I didn't need to take such drastic measures. Maybe I could choose another option: LEARN from it all, and try to become a better person because of it. As I changed my focus, it was amazing how quickly I was flooded with the realization of all the things I have learned, and am in the process of learning. I'd like to list a few.

I want to be positive. As I sat at games during the season, I became very aware of positive or negative words and actions. I began to realize that we find whatever we are looking for. People that were looking for a certain kid to make a mistake were always quick to find it and criticize it. People that decided early that the refs were out to get their team were quick to find evidence to support their case. But as I tried to look for the good things players do, the positive interactions between players and coaches, and tough calls that the refs got right (yes, even against my team), I FOUND THOSE THINGS!  We can choose to be positive. And that's how I want to be.

I want to be kind. At one of the games, a fan actually asked me, "So, how is it being the coach's wife?" I'd never really had anybody ask me that question, and I wasn't prepared to answer it. This was before I had made the decision to learn, and so I answered him with, "Sometimes it sucks." He replied, "Oh ya, I bet. Like when the team loses, it's probably no fun at home." I realized that he assumed that Tony treated me differently at home, based on the result of his team's game. Nothing could be further from the truth, and so I quickly clarified my answer, explaining that Tony always treats me good, regardless of winning or losing. The part that sucks is dealing with criticism and complaints. Tony is my best example of kindness. I want to be more like him. So I decided to try to do kind things for people, even those that I felt had wronged Tony. I worked together with other moms to decorate the locker room for the team, helped organize food for a long bus ride, brought treats on another trip, and prepared small gifts for the players and moms for regional tournament. At first, I thought I might even be able to kill negativity with kindness. I realize now that I was probably naive, but I STILL want to be kind.

I want to help, not hinder my children. I think one of the biggest things I've learned in all of this is that the level of support a parent gives a coach, or how they talk about a coach to their child actually has a huge impact on their child. I think I started to understand this way back in high school. I noticed that my teammates who hated the coach, or those whose parents had issue with the coach didn't always work hard, sometimes rolled their eyes when a coach tried to correct them, and just didn't approach practice with the same kind of whole-heartedness as those players who were fully supportive.  As a coach, I can often tell when a girl or her parents have been talking negatively about the coaches or team. Her improvement slows down and her performance suffers. Why is this? Because being willing to change is the key to improvement. And those changes necessary for improvement are typically pointed out by the coaches.  It makes sense that an athlete who is going home and hearing negative things about their coach is not going to respond to that coach's suggestions as quickly as those who trust the coach. Even further, it puts the kid in a very tough position: caught between their coach and their parents. To agree with their parents is to betray the coach, and possibly the team. But to buy into the coach is a betrayal to their parents. Tough spot, even for a good kid with good intentions. And it is certainly not a spot that is conducive to improvement. Even if I don't agree with everything a coach does, I can choose to talk positively about the coach to my children, which will help them improve.

I want to be grateful. There are many directions I could go with this, but the one that hits me hardest is something very simple: saying "Thank you." These two little words go a long way, and they are under-used in our society, I believe.  Coaches spend hundreds, or even thousands of hours working with and for their players. And it's amazing how little thanks they get. I make it a point to thank my kids' coaches, and I make sure they do it too.  A couple weeks ago, I showed up just a little late to pick Connor up from his ball practice. It did my heart good as I walked into the gym just in time to hear him say, "Thanks for coaching" to one of his coaches, without any prompting from me. I want to ALWAYS remember to thank those that help my kids.

I want to be forgiving. It's often said that to be a coach (or a coach's wife, for that matter) you have to have thick skin.  I have been trying to acquire this "thick skin." I have tried to just not let people's comments bother me. Easier said than done.  My main strategy for doing this has been (regretfully) thinking about, and even saying out loud, critical things about the person doling out the criticism. I think this is a human tendency--thinking of all the less-than-perfect traits we can find in a person who has wronged us. We figure that if we can make them into a horrible person then that will discredit their opinion. As I did this, I found that I was getting harder, it's true. But it wasn't my skin. It was my heart. I was becoming far more critical and cynical than the very people who had wronged me. I needed a new strategy. Now, I don't know if this will ever give me thick skin, but I have found that forgiving is a much better way to not let other people hurt my peace. This is not a one-time deal. We don't just instantly forgive, I am learning. But even wanting to forgive, truly wanting it like I do, has already done me so much good!  In order to try to be forgiving, I have come up with two other traits I want to develop--my last two items.

I want to be understanding. I am able to move toward forgiveness by trying to understand where others are coming from. I try to put myself in their shoes, and really try to imagine how I would feel. How would I feel if my son felt that no matter how hard he worked, he might not get the playing time he felt he deserved? How would I feel if my son's current experience is nothing close to what he had always hoped and dreamed for himself? These are definitely difficult situations for a parent. I love my son, and would want him to be happy. I can see how these feelings might lead a parent to act the way that they do.

I want to give others the benefit of the doubt. Ultimately, I feel that if Tony's critics knew him the way I know him; if they knew how much he cares, how hard he works; if they knew the sleepless nights, and the physical and emotional drain of a basketball season; if they knew his true character the way I know it, they wouldn't be his critics. They would be his supporters. But they can't know. It's that simple. And so I try to not judge them based on what they don't know. It isn't fair. I am sure that I have misjudged many situations because I didn't see the whole picture or know all the facts. I can give them the benefit of the doubt in this regard.

Now, I know that is quite the list.  Many of you may be thinking, "Really, Taffy? I'm pretty sure I remember a time that you weren't very kind." Or "You sure weren't very understanding in that one situation." Let me make it clear that I am not claiming to BE any of the things on this list.  I am only saying that I WANT to be that person.  I see it as a sort of blueprint--the design of who I want to be.  One of my favorite books is "The Talent Code" by Daniel Coyle. He explores the science behind talent and how to develop it. I think many of his discoveries apply not just to talents, such as learning an instrument, or developing your golf swing, but also to life.  One of the ideas in the book is that in order to improve, we need to have a blueprint in our mind of how we want it to look, and then we need to constantly evaluate ourselves against that blueprint, stopping to note our mistakes and make corrections.  I'm sure that as I go through life, I will make plenty of mistakes. These are MORE learning moments, if I will take the time to stop, evaluate where I am at, remember the blueprint, and then make corrections.  I am grateful for this past season, and for the learning it has provided, and I look forward to many more opportunities to learn in both my role as "Coach" and "The coach's wife."