Praise Matters

In my previous post, I talked about self-esteem and how it has very little to do with what others think of us. I talked about the desire that we have as parents to give our kids self-esteem through constant praise. Although I don't think this can work, I do believe that praise is vitally important in the growth of our children (and all us adults, for that matter.)  It is perfect normal for us to want to praise our kids. We love them. We think they are great!  A couple weeks ago, I saw a girl with a shirt that said:

 "If God had a fridge, your picture would be on it."

I loved this! Our Father in Heaven loves us and is proud of the great things we do.  As parents here on earth, we feel the same way about our children. And when we feel proud of them, I think it's good to let them know.

Here comes the "however."  As much as praise is important, we need to be deliberate in the way we give it. We need to be aware of the words we use, what we praise, and the subtle messages that are sent based on the type of praise we give.

The first thing we need to consider is what we praise--ability or effort.  There have been many studies done on this exact thing, and the results are astounding.  Rather than try to re-write the study myself, I will share this video. It does a fabulous job of explaining these two types of praise and the effect it has on the one being praised.



So, in addition to praising effort and process rather than intelligence or ability, I would add that we need to be careful about praising winning.  I've become increasingly aware in the last several months of the percentage of my facebook news feed that is about somebody's kid winning something.  Although I think it's okay to be proud of your kids when they win or achieve their goals, I think if we are over-the-top proud of them when they win, but then say nothing when they lose, we send a subtle message--unintentional, of course, but possibly quite harmful--that we are only proud of them when they win.

This same subtle message carries over to being "varsity" or "the star" as well.  When our child isn't the best on the team, it is very tempting to try to build them up by tearing other kids down, or blaming the coach for their "failure." But is it really a failure? I don't think so.  If he or she is working hard and doing their best, then they are succeeding, regardless of their role on the team.  By making a fuss about their role, we are sending a subtle message: "Anything less than varsity (or high scorer, or some certain position) is not good enough for me. I feel ashamed of you." I know this is NOT the message we want to send.  We need to watch ourselves carefully in this situation and how we handle it.

I read an account recently of an 8th grade boy who lives and breathes football.  He knows the game and gives 100% every time he steps on the field. At tryouts, he gave it his all, and impressed the coaches with his determination and knowledge of the game.  As teams were being determined, the coach approached him and praised him for his effort during tryouts, but then informed him that he's just too small at 100 lbs. to play varsity.  He then told him that the JV needed a leader, and that with his work ethic and knowledge of the game, he would be the perfect player to lead that team if he could accept his role.  He went home to his mom with this heavy on his mind.  He was tearful as he explained to her the situation and his disappointment.  She handled the situation like a champ and praised him for his effort as well. She then told him that he had an important decision to make and left it at that. She didn't cave into the temptation to bash the coach or put the other players down in an attempt to help her son feel better about the situation.  Because of this, after thinking about it for a couple days, he told his mom that he was going to do his best to lead the JV to their best season ever!  So often, this situation ends with the kid just quitting and missing out on the chance to learn, grown, and develop as a player, and more importantly, as a person.  I applaud this mother for keeping things in perspective and allowing her son to grow in the role he has been given.

The last type of praise I've thought a lot about over the past several years is what I call "comparison praise." Statements like, "Wow! You're the best one on the team!" "You were the cutest kid on stage." "I bet you're the smartest kid in your grade, aren't you?" are all well-intended, but I believe they have a very negative impact on our kids.  Whenever I hear somebody dole out one of these all too common type of compliments to one of my kids, I cringe. I think the message is that what we do is always in comparison to others and we unintentionally teach our kids to compare.  Let's face it. There are a lot of people in this world. Over 7 billion. So there's a pretty good chance that no matter how good you are at something, there is somebody out there better than you.  And the flipside is true as well.  No matter how bad you are at something, there's bound to be somebody worse.  Because of this, comparing ourselves to others seems like a silly waste of time and energy, and I want to help my kids avoid falling into this practice.  Instead, we can focus on individual effort and improvement.  Instead of "You were the best singer up there!" we can say, "You must have worked hard to memorize all those words!" or "Wow! You're really getting better at singing. You must be working hard in music class!"  I feel like this kind of praise is much healthier for our kids than trying to convince them that they are THE BEST.

So, as a new school year and sports season is upon us, I hope that we all (parents, coaches, teachers, etc.) will pay attention to the efforts our kids are making in their various activities. Chances are, they're giving it their best!  And then, let's really think about the praise we are giving and strive to help our kids grow through deliberate praise.  Let's praise these kids into becoming the best they can be!  Remember....