Praise Matters

In my previous post, I talked about self-esteem and how it has very little to do with what others think of us. I talked about the desire that we have as parents to give our kids self-esteem through constant praise. Although I don't think this can work, I do believe that praise is vitally important in the growth of our children (and all us adults, for that matter.)  It is perfect normal for us to want to praise our kids. We love them. We think they are great!  A couple weeks ago, I saw a girl with a shirt that said:

 "If God had a fridge, your picture would be on it."

I loved this! Our Father in Heaven loves us and is proud of the great things we do.  As parents here on earth, we feel the same way about our children. And when we feel proud of them, I think it's good to let them know.

Here comes the "however."  As much as praise is important, we need to be deliberate in the way we give it. We need to be aware of the words we use, what we praise, and the subtle messages that are sent based on the type of praise we give.

The first thing we need to consider is what we praise--ability or effort.  There have been many studies done on this exact thing, and the results are astounding.  Rather than try to re-write the study myself, I will share this video. It does a fabulous job of explaining these two types of praise and the effect it has on the one being praised.



So, in addition to praising effort and process rather than intelligence or ability, I would add that we need to be careful about praising winning.  I've become increasingly aware in the last several months of the percentage of my facebook news feed that is about somebody's kid winning something.  Although I think it's okay to be proud of your kids when they win or achieve their goals, I think if we are over-the-top proud of them when they win, but then say nothing when they lose, we send a subtle message--unintentional, of course, but possibly quite harmful--that we are only proud of them when they win.

This same subtle message carries over to being "varsity" or "the star" as well.  When our child isn't the best on the team, it is very tempting to try to build them up by tearing other kids down, or blaming the coach for their "failure." But is it really a failure? I don't think so.  If he or she is working hard and doing their best, then they are succeeding, regardless of their role on the team.  By making a fuss about their role, we are sending a subtle message: "Anything less than varsity (or high scorer, or some certain position) is not good enough for me. I feel ashamed of you." I know this is NOT the message we want to send.  We need to watch ourselves carefully in this situation and how we handle it.

I read an account recently of an 8th grade boy who lives and breathes football.  He knows the game and gives 100% every time he steps on the field. At tryouts, he gave it his all, and impressed the coaches with his determination and knowledge of the game.  As teams were being determined, the coach approached him and praised him for his effort during tryouts, but then informed him that he's just too small at 100 lbs. to play varsity.  He then told him that the JV needed a leader, and that with his work ethic and knowledge of the game, he would be the perfect player to lead that team if he could accept his role.  He went home to his mom with this heavy on his mind.  He was tearful as he explained to her the situation and his disappointment.  She handled the situation like a champ and praised him for his effort as well. She then told him that he had an important decision to make and left it at that. She didn't cave into the temptation to bash the coach or put the other players down in an attempt to help her son feel better about the situation.  Because of this, after thinking about it for a couple days, he told his mom that he was going to do his best to lead the JV to their best season ever!  So often, this situation ends with the kid just quitting and missing out on the chance to learn, grown, and develop as a player, and more importantly, as a person.  I applaud this mother for keeping things in perspective and allowing her son to grow in the role he has been given.

The last type of praise I've thought a lot about over the past several years is what I call "comparison praise." Statements like, "Wow! You're the best one on the team!" "You were the cutest kid on stage." "I bet you're the smartest kid in your grade, aren't you?" are all well-intended, but I believe they have a very negative impact on our kids.  Whenever I hear somebody dole out one of these all too common type of compliments to one of my kids, I cringe. I think the message is that what we do is always in comparison to others and we unintentionally teach our kids to compare.  Let's face it. There are a lot of people in this world. Over 7 billion. So there's a pretty good chance that no matter how good you are at something, there is somebody out there better than you.  And the flipside is true as well.  No matter how bad you are at something, there's bound to be somebody worse.  Because of this, comparing ourselves to others seems like a silly waste of time and energy, and I want to help my kids avoid falling into this practice.  Instead, we can focus on individual effort and improvement.  Instead of "You were the best singer up there!" we can say, "You must have worked hard to memorize all those words!" or "Wow! You're really getting better at singing. You must be working hard in music class!"  I feel like this kind of praise is much healthier for our kids than trying to convince them that they are THE BEST.

So, as a new school year and sports season is upon us, I hope that we all (parents, coaches, teachers, etc.) will pay attention to the efforts our kids are making in their various activities. Chances are, they're giving it their best!  And then, let's really think about the praise we are giving and strive to help our kids grow through deliberate praise.  Let's praise these kids into becoming the best they can be!  Remember....

Self-Esteem

Perhaps the best thing about a couple of my hobbies, and possibly the main reason I love them so much, is the time I have to think. I'm the type of runner and gardener that never listens to an ipod. My own thoughts can keep me occupied for hours.  And this summer, there has been one topic that just keeps coming back to me:

Perhaps if you are a young child (ok, so none of them are reading this blog) or an elderly person, you don't think much on this topic. But for teens, young adults, and parents with great concern for their own children, self-esteem is a pretty big deal. We want to have it. We want our children to have it. In fact, as a parent myself, I wish I could just "gift" some self-esteem to each of my children.  But I'm quite certain I can't do that.  I only hope that maybe I can teach them how to find it.

I think we are tempted as parents to just shower our children with compliments, falsely believing that these verbal doses of confidence will somehow infuse our children with great self-esteem.  However, I have seen many times (and have experienced this myself) that if we don't believe a compliment from another person is true, we simply dismiss it.  Self-esteem is just as the word says: SELF-esteem.  It really has very little to do with the way others esteem us.  It is a beautiful confidence that comes from within.  We know it when we see it. People with healthy self-esteem stand up for themselves rather than caving to outside pressures. They aren't too worried about being popular. They are content with who they are and are happy for others when they succeed.  They love life and are genuinely happy.  Isn't that what we all want?   So how do we achieve it?

I have heard in many church lessons that knowing who we are is the secret to self-esteem. Basically, if I understand that I am a child of a Heavenly Father who loves me, then I'm set.  I think this is a vital ingredient of self-esteem, but I don't think it is all we need. I have seen many people who believe this completely but still have low self-esteem, viewing themselves as a pretty lousy son or daughter of God, who really doesn't even deserve His love.  I have known who I am since I was a young child. I have felt that I have a Heavenly Father who loves me and wants me to be happy.  But I have also felt many times that as part of this mortal existence, He wants me to find that happiness.  And it isn't always easy.

So HOW? How do we go about gaining that happiness that comes from within?  The best explanation I have come across is from "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens" by Sean Covey.  He explains that how you feel about yourself is like a bank account. He calls it the "personal bank account", or PBA.  Basically, like an account at the bank, we can (and constantly do) make deposits and take withdrawals from our PBA.  The more deposits we make, the more secure we feel in ourselves. However, if we are constantly taking withdrawals, we can bankrupt the account. When our account is in this state, we find ourselves caving to peer pressure easily, wrestling with feelings of depression and inferiority, being overly concerned with what others think of us, acting arrogant in an attempt to hide our insecurities, adopting self-destructive behaviors, or being jealous of others who are happy or successful.

I think people also have a false belief that there is some kind of million dollar deposit out there.  For example, if I looked like a model, or won a championship, or had the best-looking boyfriend out there, that would magically load up my account, and I would never worry about self-esteem again. But we have to remember that for each deposit, there is an equal and opposite withdrawal. So, if something happened that took away your great looks, or that boyfriend broke up with you, you would be right back to bankrupt. I wouldn't call that a healthy or secure account.  Actually, small deposits here and there over time is the best way to build a strong and secure PBA.

Here is Covey's list of possible deposits and withdrawals:

PBA DEPOSITS                                         PBA WITHDRAWALS
Keep promises to yourself                            Break personal promises
Do small acts of kindness                              Keep to yourself
Be gentle with yourself                                  Beat yourself up
Be honest                                                     Be dishonest
Renew yourself                                             Wear yourself out
Tap into your talents                                      Neglect your talents

I'm sure you all have that one friend who began exercising and eating right awhile back, and now he or she looks AMAZING and has great self-esteem.  It's easy to assume that the self-esteem gained is from looking AMAZING, right?  I don't think so.  I would imagine that for that person to completely transform their health, they have undergone a series of kept promises to themselves. They have woken up in the morning to work out when they committed to themselves that they would. Each day that they follow their nutrition plan, they put a deposit into their PBA because that is another promise to themselves that they kept!  When they had a bad day, rather than beating themselves up over it, they were gentle with themselves--another deposit!  Also, maybe they have found a new talent along the way--they never knew they were so good at motivating others--and have tapped into that talent and developed it. Even more deposits.  This is just one example, but I think we often only see the surface things about a person's self-esteem and don't look to the roots of how they may have developed that sought-after trait.

Although I think Covey's list is excellent, I think it is pretty short.  There are lots of other ways to make deposits. I was able to witness one of these in action this summer with my oldest daughter, who is eight. Mylie raised a steer for 4-H this year for her first time. Now, for Mylie, who weighs just over 50 pounds, even her small steer, who weighed over 1000 pounds, was quite intimidating to her.  A small jerk of his head when she was holding his halter really jerked her around and made her feel like the steer was going to try to get away from her.  She had several days that she felt so scared to show her steer at the fair and just wanted to quit.  But the next morning, she would go back out and work with him again.  Although she was nervous on the day of the show at fair, she walked into the ring with that steer she had worked so hard with, and she did it! The look on her face on the way out of the show ring was priceless!

That huge smile has everything to do with how she felt--I did it!!--and nothing to do with the red ribbon.

Facing your fears and doing hard things are definitely deposits into our PBA!  In fact, I was able to help her carry this experience over to another experience where she was nervous as well.  She was asked to sing in church, and she didn't want to do it. She told me she was scared to sing in front of so many people. I said, "Well, if there's one thing I know about you, it's that you are REALLY GOOD at doing things that scare you!" With a little grin, she said, "Yeah, I guess I am." And she sang.

If you are struggling with self-esteem, or you are a parent who would like to help your children attain it, I believe it is helpful to think of it in this concrete way. First, know who you are--a child of a loving Heavenly Father, who, more than anything, wants you to be happy. Then, know that He wants you to find that happiness, one small act (or deposit) at a time.