Our Spring (well, the days of it that I've been here anyway)

Last month, I was able to go on three different vacations (which I will blog about shortly). They were awesome, and made the time FLY by much too quickly! But the time that I have been at home has been equally amazing. Here's a short run-down of some of our activities lately:

Connor, Mylie and I were able to attend a session of General Conference at the Conference Center. Tony was going to come with us too, but we had a puking kid, so he stayed home while the three of us went. While we were sad that Tony couldn't come, it was a great experience for us!

Mylie got glasses! She can see now, which is fabulous, and she looks super cute in them too. We also found out that she is color-blind, due to a color-blind dad and a mom who is a carrier and passed it onto this poor girl. Darn. She doesn't really seem to mind, though.

Tony and I had our April date night. We created newspaper clothing for each other. This design for evening wear (made by yours truly) was the clear winner. Complete with bow tie and corsage. Not really our thing, but turned out to be a pretty fun time!

Mylie invited a few friends over for a "salon party." She planned out all the activities, made the invitations, and carried out the party. They had a great time giving each other pedicures, doing each other's hair, eating snow cones, and finally (thanks to the idea from our April date night) having a newspaper clothing fashion show. I was the audience, and it was lots of fun!

Brady has started falling asleep in random places, making for some precious photos. I love these two!

And finally, EASTER! We had a wonderful Easter this year. The kids really got into egg-dying and painting, and other than Brady, they were able to do this quite independently, which I loved! Brady also thought this was pretty fun.

The girls and I went down to the Fort the day before Easter for an egg hunt. Apparently they've been having it for years, but this is the first time for us. They thought it was great fun and got a pretty good loot of candy. I'm sure they'll want to go back next year.

Although the eggs and bunny and candy were all fun, the best part of Easter was the time we took as a family to learn more about and contemplate the atonement of our Savior. Because of Him, we can live again. Because of Him, we can change and become better people. Because of Him, we can be happy. And because of Him, we can be a family forever. I am so grateful and forever indebted to my Savior, Jesus Christ, for the amazing blessings he has given us.

I love this shot of my kids on Easter morning. Their smiles make me smile, and they make me want to be better, for them. I am blessed.

Our Circle of Control: The Importance of Focus

Last Thursday, Tony was asked to resign from his position as head boys' basketball coach. My initial knowledge of this action came in the form of a simple text: "I just got fired." I felt shocked, hurt, confused, and betrayed. He, of course, was feeling the same things.  Over the next several days, we have discussed this decision and its effects on us from every possible angle, it seems. I'm not gonna lie. It's been tough. There have been tears, and even some anger.  Some may think that I am being over-dramatic. It's not like we lost a family member, health, or our primary source of income.  I realize that, and know that things could definitely be much worse.  But it is still a big loss to our family and our way of life.  Connor will miss the countless hours spent in the gym, I will miss our discussions about the ins and outs of coaching and basketball strategy (and trust me, we talk about this stuff A LOT!) and mostly, Tony will miss doing something he cares about deeply. As he put it, "They took my passion from me, and they didn't even ask me first."

As these feelings came, I quickly realized that I could not spend my time and energy dwelling on them. I kept thinking of the concept of the circle of concern vs. the circle of control, which is explained in the book "The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Teens," by Sean Covey. We use this book extensively in our volleyball program, and I love the concepts contained in it.  I think this illustrations explains it well.

A reactive person focuses on the things that are outside their circle of control, such as past mistakes, things that worry us, how other people act, and what other people say. When we focus on these things, we quickly become a victim and feel as if we have no influence.  However, when we choose to be proactive, or focus on our circle of control--how WE act, what WE say, the attitude WE have--we become empowered. We quit blaming others, and we give ourselves the chance to learn and grow. As we put our focus and energy on our circle of control, our circle of influence actually grows.

My sister-in-law sent me this wonderful quote the other day, which goes along perfectly with my desire to focus on my circle of control. "Ensured with agency, you and I are agents and we primarily are to act and not just be acted upon. To believe that someone can make us feel offended, angry, hurt, or bitter diminishes our moral agency and transforms us into objects to be acted upon. As agents, however, you and I have power to act and to choose how we will respond to an offensive or hurtful situation." -David A. Bednar

So what can we choose to do in a situation where initially we feel hurt and powerless? Tony and I have discussed this question at length, and I want to share a few of the thoughts we have had.

We can, once again, LEARN. I already wrote about this in a previous blog post, Lessons Learned as the Coach's Wife.  There are lessons to be learned in every situation. It is our responsibility to try to learn them. I read this a couple days ago: "The same winds that buffet and threaten to overwhelm us also sow the seeds of change and growth." I know this is true. As we focus on what we can learn, I have found my negative feelings begin to fade away. I have had to choose, many times over the past few days, to refer to my blueprint.  I know who I want to be. Are my actions getting me closer to that goal? Or do I need to redirect myself a bit? I know that I want to be more understanding, more forgiving, and give others the benefit of the doubt. I can choose to remember this, and work toward it. 

We can choose to teach our children the lessons we are learning. As I talked to our kids about this decision, I was extremely careful to not place blame. Rather, I pointed out that no matter what other people say or do, we know how hard Dad worked and how much he cared, and we can be proud of that. Together, we tried to find the positive. The kids and I talked about things we might be able to do now with our time, and decided that we will probably still go to the gym a lot. We decided that we will still go to all the home games (maybe even some away games) and cheer for the team like we always have. We love doing those things, and we still can.

We can control how we interact with and support people that are going through a hard time. We have been amazed and humbled by the people that either through text messages, a card, or their spoken words, have shown us love and support over the past several days.  One family brought us treats on Sunday, just to let us know that they care. A man who Tony doesn't even know well, but had heard about his situation, approached Tony in the store just to tell him to keep his head up and to let him know that he thinks he did a good job.  I have had similar experiences.  These have made me want to do better in that regard. 

When I first saw this quote, I immediately felt like a victim of this truth. But as I have thought more about it, I realized that the opposite is also true. Those who have spoken kindly have done much to repair damage done. I can choose to speak kindly to and about others.

We can choose to support the new coach and the program. I think, as humans, our initial instinct, when we haven't had the success we hoped for, is to want others to fail, too.  This doesn't serve any positive purpose, and only makes us bitter. We know that going to the games next winter may not be easy, especially at first. But we honestly hope that whoever is hired will do a good job and that the kids in the program will have a positive experience. It's what we have wanted for them all along, and it's what we still hope for.

I told Tony that I was going to write this today, and asked him what I needed to be sure to include. He said that it's important for us to realize that God has a purpose for every experience of our life. What Tony wants most is to help fulfill that purpose, rather than waste it. Whether we are supposed to learn something important, whether we are supposed to help someone else, or whether we are being led in a new direction, we need to do all we can to do what is intended for us, rather than sit around and be victims of our circumstance.  I agree.

I think this process of learning from life is interesting.  I am grateful for the things I learned as a coach's wife that helped prepare me for this challenge. With that in mind, I know that there are things that I will learn from this that I will need for future experiences. It's not like my AP Calculus class, where I learned everything I needed for one test, passed the test, then quickly forgot it all!  I may not need to know how to do calculus now, but I definitely need to refer to previous learning as I go through new experiences.

When I initially told the kids that their dad wasn't going to coach anymore, they didn't say anything. Mylie quietly cried, and then finally said, "Sometimes life just isn't fair, is it?" I'm sure she's heard that somewhere before. I agreed with her in the moment. I have, however, thought a lot more about that, and have questioned how accurate it is. I do think that if I focus on what is unfair about the situation, I will be left a bitter and hateful person. If that's all I'm left with, then yes, life is unfair.  But if I can choose to focus on my circle on control, and do things that will broaden my positive influence, then maybe it isn't so unfair after all.  Maybe good, and even great things, will come from this.  Maybe the trade-off could possibly work in my favor or bless others. Then are things really so unfair? Perhaps not. 

"It has been said that strong men and women are like kites--they only rise higher when the winds of opposition come against them." I like this analogy. Maybe I understand it so well because we know a little about wind where we live. Every once in awhile, however, the wind can take a kite down. Sometimes, we go into a nose dive that we can't seem to pull out of, and we crash into the ground. But if we will have the courage to get back up, let the wind work on us again, but this time keep our focus on the things we can control, we can rise higher than ever before. 

Early Spring in Wyoming

This is honestly my least favorite time of year, weather-wise anyway. You get a couple nice days, just enough to tease you, and then winter is back. Oh well.  I guess we've been enjoying both seasons around here lately.  We've played at the park on nice days...

...and taken advantage of the snow by having a fun ski day with family. My sister, Olivia, is a ski instructor at Sundance, and used her skills to teach Mariah and two of my nephews to ski.  Mariah loved learning, and I loved watching Livi teach her. So much fun!  Connor, Mylie, and I also enjoyed the day skiing.

We've spent a lot of days just hanging out at home.  Brady loves to help me in the kitchen. Looks like this smoothie will have plenty of spinach!

He's also becoming pretty imaginative in his play. Looks like his bull and cow are going out on the town here.

Tony and I had a couple more at-home dates--a spa night for February, and Youtube night in March.

 We've also put a few miles on the van lately (so sad when we hit this milestone..)

going to visit family and watch basketball games.

(Yes, Brady got a haircut! And his shirt says, "Some Crawl and Others Ball" So perfect for this little ball player!)

Connor played in three tournaments this winter/spring.  Here's a sorta long video of one of his games. He's #5 on the purple team. And for family or friends who this interests, the kid guarding him is Nicole Mitchelson and Seth Jones' son. So funny for us on the sidelines talking about our kids playing against each other now. How can we be that old?!?

And this last clip is a good representation of our "normal."

Lessons Learned as the Coach's Wife

Earlier this basketball season, after a game, I was waiting patiently in the hallway, just down from the locker room as a parent was questioning Tony about a decision he had made regarding her son. One of the referees from the game, who I knew from Cokeville, approached me and said, "You must be a glutton for punishment! First, you're the daughter of a coach, then you become a coach yourself, and now you're a coach's wife!" I had to admit, he had a point. But I also felt like I could make the same observation about a person who would willingly choose to be a basketball referee. There are certain professions--coach, referee, and politician are the first that come to my mind--that lend themselves to a lot of public criticism. It's always been interesting (for lack of a better word) to me to see the way normally kind people can treat other adults in these positions. But I suppose it's part of the job, part that will probably never change.

So, what do I do with that? Knowing that no matter how much we care, or how hard we work, there will be criticism in regards to my coaching, as well as my husband's? In the past month or so, I have finally figured out just what to do with it. LEARN.

After every volleyball match or tournament, Angela (the head coach that I assist) always asks the girls, "So, what did you learn?" It doesn't matter if we killed a team, squeaked by them, or got annihilated, she asks this question. She tells them that experiences are wasted if we don't learn something from them. I agree.

About a month and a half ago, I was at a pretty low point, feeling sorry for Tony, and for myself for the way his season was going. I was hurt and even angry because of the criticism being hurled at him, when I knew how hard he was working. I began to wonder if coaching was worth it at all (even though deep down I knew it was). I even felt like it would be best for us to just get out of coaching all together and just lead our quiet lives here on the ranch, without being subject to any public scrutiny.  I even considered moving so that I wouldn't even have to see the people that had hurt me anymore.  But then peace came to me as I realized that I didn't need to take such drastic measures. Maybe I could choose another option: LEARN from it all, and try to become a better person because of it. As I changed my focus, it was amazing how quickly I was flooded with the realization of all the things I have learned, and am in the process of learning. I'd like to list a few.

I want to be positive. As I sat at games during the season, I became very aware of positive or negative words and actions. I began to realize that we find whatever we are looking for. People that were looking for a certain kid to make a mistake were always quick to find it and criticize it. People that decided early that the refs were out to get their team were quick to find evidence to support their case. But as I tried to look for the good things players do, the positive interactions between players and coaches, and tough calls that the refs got right (yes, even against my team), I FOUND THOSE THINGS!  We can choose to be positive. And that's how I want to be.

I want to be kind. At one of the games, a fan actually asked me, "So, how is it being the coach's wife?" I'd never really had anybody ask me that question, and I wasn't prepared to answer it. This was before I had made the decision to learn, and so I answered him with, "Sometimes it sucks." He replied, "Oh ya, I bet. Like when the team loses, it's probably no fun at home." I realized that he assumed that Tony treated me differently at home, based on the result of his team's game. Nothing could be further from the truth, and so I quickly clarified my answer, explaining that Tony always treats me good, regardless of winning or losing. The part that sucks is dealing with criticism and complaints. Tony is my best example of kindness. I want to be more like him. So I decided to try to do kind things for people, even those that I felt had wronged Tony. I worked together with other moms to decorate the locker room for the team, helped organize food for a long bus ride, brought treats on another trip, and prepared small gifts for the players and moms for regional tournament. At first, I thought I might even be able to kill negativity with kindness. I realize now that I was probably naive, but I STILL want to be kind.

I want to help, not hinder my children. I think one of the biggest things I've learned in all of this is that the level of support a parent gives a coach, or how they talk about a coach to their child actually has a huge impact on their child. I think I started to understand this way back in high school. I noticed that my teammates who hated the coach, or those whose parents had issue with the coach didn't always work hard, sometimes rolled their eyes when a coach tried to correct them, and just didn't approach practice with the same kind of whole-heartedness as those players who were fully supportive.  As a coach, I can often tell when a girl or her parents have been talking negatively about the coaches or team. Her improvement slows down and her performance suffers. Why is this? Because being willing to change is the key to improvement. And those changes necessary for improvement are typically pointed out by the coaches.  It makes sense that an athlete who is going home and hearing negative things about their coach is not going to respond to that coach's suggestions as quickly as those who trust the coach. Even further, it puts the kid in a very tough position: caught between their coach and their parents. To agree with their parents is to betray the coach, and possibly the team. But to buy into the coach is a betrayal to their parents. Tough spot, even for a good kid with good intentions. And it is certainly not a spot that is conducive to improvement. Even if I don't agree with everything a coach does, I can choose to talk positively about the coach to my children, which will help them improve.

I want to be grateful. There are many directions I could go with this, but the one that hits me hardest is something very simple: saying "Thank you." These two little words go a long way, and they are under-used in our society, I believe.  Coaches spend hundreds, or even thousands of hours working with and for their players. And it's amazing how little thanks they get. I make it a point to thank my kids' coaches, and I make sure they do it too.  A couple weeks ago, I showed up just a little late to pick Connor up from his ball practice. It did my heart good as I walked into the gym just in time to hear him say, "Thanks for coaching" to one of his coaches, without any prompting from me. I want to ALWAYS remember to thank those that help my kids.

I want to be forgiving. It's often said that to be a coach (or a coach's wife, for that matter) you have to have thick skin.  I have been trying to acquire this "thick skin." I have tried to just not let people's comments bother me. Easier said than done.  My main strategy for doing this has been (regretfully) thinking about, and even saying out loud, critical things about the person doling out the criticism. I think this is a human tendency--thinking of all the less-than-perfect traits we can find in a person who has wronged us. We figure that if we can make them into a horrible person then that will discredit their opinion. As I did this, I found that I was getting harder, it's true. But it wasn't my skin. It was my heart. I was becoming far more critical and cynical than the very people who had wronged me. I needed a new strategy. Now, I don't know if this will ever give me thick skin, but I have found that forgiving is a much better way to not let other people hurt my peace. This is not a one-time deal. We don't just instantly forgive, I am learning. But even wanting to forgive, truly wanting it like I do, has already done me so much good!  In order to try to be forgiving, I have come up with two other traits I want to develop--my last two items.

I want to be understanding. I am able to move toward forgiveness by trying to understand where others are coming from. I try to put myself in their shoes, and really try to imagine how I would feel. How would I feel if my son felt that no matter how hard he worked, he might not get the playing time he felt he deserved? How would I feel if my son's current experience is nothing close to what he had always hoped and dreamed for himself? These are definitely difficult situations for a parent. I love my son, and would want him to be happy. I can see how these feelings might lead a parent to act the way that they do.

I want to give others the benefit of the doubt. Ultimately, I feel that if Tony's critics knew him the way I know him; if they knew how much he cares, how hard he works; if they knew the sleepless nights, and the physical and emotional drain of a basketball season; if they knew his true character the way I know it, they wouldn't be his critics. They would be his supporters. But they can't know. It's that simple. And so I try to not judge them based on what they don't know. It isn't fair. I am sure that I have misjudged many situations because I didn't see the whole picture or know all the facts. I can give them the benefit of the doubt in this regard.

Now, I know that is quite the list.  Many of you may be thinking, "Really, Taffy? I'm pretty sure I remember a time that you weren't very kind." Or "You sure weren't very understanding in that one situation." Let me make it clear that I am not claiming to BE any of the things on this list.  I am only saying that I WANT to be that person.  I see it as a sort of blueprint--the design of who I want to be.  One of my favorite books is "The Talent Code" by Daniel Coyle. He explores the science behind talent and how to develop it. I think many of his discoveries apply not just to talents, such as learning an instrument, or developing your golf swing, but also to life.  One of the ideas in the book is that in order to improve, we need to have a blueprint in our mind of how we want it to look, and then we need to constantly evaluate ourselves against that blueprint, stopping to note our mistakes and make corrections.  I'm sure that as I go through life, I will make plenty of mistakes. These are MORE learning moments, if I will take the time to stop, evaluate where I am at, remember the blueprint, and then make corrections.  I am grateful for this past season, and for the learning it has provided, and I look forward to many more opportunities to learn in both my role as "Coach" and "The coach's wife."

Brady at 18 Months

So, Brady is actually a few weeks past 18 months now, but I need to stop a minute and document a little bit about this bundle of joy! i wish I could just remember what each of my kids were like at each stage of development, but the truth is, I can't. So I need to write it down. Because I WANT to remember this time.  He is so fun right now!  He truly makes me smile and laugh more than anything else in my life at this point, and I am so grateful to have this cutie!

So at 18 months, Brady is about average size. He is at the 50th percentile for height and about 40th for weight. My favorite physical features on Brady are his big, blue, expressive eyes, his mischievous grin with the slight gap between the front teeth, and, of course, his HAIR! We have cut it twice now, and it's about ready for another cut. People have asked how I get his hair to stay like that, but I don't know how to get it to do anything different. It wants to stand straight up, and so that's what it does!

Brady is very active. He loves to run, climb, kick, shoot, throw, catch (well, try to catch), and jump, especially OFF of things. He scares the crud out of me. He can climb ladders, which gets him onto the top bunk all on his own. And one of his favorite games is piling pillows up on the floor and then running and belly-flopping onto them.  He has recently started doing this off the couch as well! He's a little dare-devil! And he loves the kids to laugh at him, and will do about anything for a laugh.

For as active as he is, he also likes to sit on my lap and read books and will sometimes look at books all on his own, too. He especially likes books about animals, tractors, and sports. He also has gotten into watching shows lately and always has to sit in a "seat" while watching.

Here he is combing two of his favorites: climbing and looking at books. 

Yes, a book about QBs.

Watching a show in his favorite seat.

Another thing Brady is doing a LOT of lately is talking! It is so fun seeing his vocabulary grow every day. He seems to understand almost anything I say, and is saying so many things on his own as well. He says the names of everybody in our family, as well as some cousins' names. He also says the names of lots of animals: cow, horse, dog, cat, deer, fish, turtle, pig, duck, and more as well as all the animal sounds, which he loves to do multiple times a day. He says several body parts--eyes, ears, nose, mouth, feet--and clothing--shirt, pants, socks, shoes, boots, coat.  Foods--drink, bottle, yogurt, smoothie (moo-ie), apple, chips, bread, meat (which is about all he eats anyway, the picky little guy).  I guess I really can't list all the things he is saying, but it's fun now to see him starting to put words together. When he finds something we have been looking for, he exclaims: "Here are!" This morning, he handed something to Mariah and said, "Here, Yiya. Gank oo." Translation: Here, Mariah. Thank you. (Truth is you might need a translator, like me, to understand a lot of the words he says, but he is not afraid to try!) After Mariah, who was very slow to talk, this has been so fun for me! Plus, he usually tries to tell me what he wants instead of just whining. SO wonderful!

Brady also loves to help me in the kitchen as well as play kitchen on his own. One day I told him to go make dinner. When I went in to see what he was doing, I found this. He had set the table and had the pots of food on as well. Observant little guy!

Brady is very expressive and affectionate. He gives great hugs and kisses, and loves people. He is not very shy (yet, anyway) and shows a lot of emotion with his facial expressions. As a biased Mom, I can't get over how cute he is, and I love spending my days with him! Part of me wishes he would never grow up, that I could just freeze him right now in all his 18-month-old cuteness, but having older kids, I also know how much fun each new phase is and I would never want to miss out on those either. (And I'm pretty sure I don't have the energy for an eternal 18-month-old anyway.)  His siblings also all think he is GREAT and love to play with him. We sure love our Brady boy!

And just for fun, a favorite little picture series of mine. Brady playing with water...

So proud of himself!!!

January

January has been an interesting month. Some days, I feel like we're running, running, running, and other days I have a lot of time on my hands. I've filled that time with a lot of teaching, it seems. It's my turn to teach Mariah's preschool group this month, so I've been planning and teaching that, which I love. I also realized that Mariah needs a lot of extra help learning her letters, so I've been working with her on those as well. I started a new piano teaching/learning method with Connor and Mylie that has been a huge success (in its first three weeks, any) and that has also taken some time to get underway.  I've gotten everything but my purse replaced from the robbery back before Christmas, and we also have replaced our TV (first flat screen for this household--really!??), my phone, our diaper bag, and the wiring in one of our van doors, all of which broke in December. Not our luckiest month ever. Anyway, I'm starting to feel like my out-of-control life of a few weeks ago is back on track somewhat. Connor has been busy playing on a 4th grade basketball team that is competing in a couple tournaments this month, and Tony is in the middle of his basketball season, so we've been pretty consumed with basketball here as well.  Brady loves to "shoo" and will try over and over to shoot at the gym. Although he can barely get that big basketball above his head, he keeps trying, as if he thinks the next attempt is sure to go in! It's so cute watching him.

Well, that's our month in a nutshell.  Here are some photo highlights for January so far...

Tony's Christmas gift to me this year was a date night a month. Each one's description is in a manila envelope, which I get to open the first of each month, and then we decide on a day that will work. January's date was milkshakes and 20 Questions. We had a great time! Fun at-home date.

One afternoon, Mariah wanted to invite her cousins over for a party. They baked in the easy-bake oven, colored, did make-up and fingernails, and watched a princess movie. So fun!

A little outdoor basketball on a nice day. Notice how much snow we have here?!?

Connor and a friend went BB gun hunting, and actually got a squirrel. Not bad!

Mylie's Baptism

It's hard to believe, but Mylie is 8 years old, and on New Year's Eve, she was baptized, along with her two closest cousins, Jaxon and Sarah. The three of them were all born within three weeks of each other and are great friends!  It was such a special day, with so many family members there for these three cute kids. My mom made her pretty white dress for her to wear after the baptism. She loved it. Thanks Mom!

I'm so grateful to have a husband who holds and honors the priesthood and was able to perform this wonderful ordinance for Mylie.

Certainly not one of my favorite pics of myself, but I have so few pics of me one-on-one with my kids, I wanted to include it anyway. I am so proud of her!

Beautiful sisters!!!