Last Thursday, Tony was asked to resign from his position as head boys' basketball coach. My initial knowledge of this action came in the form of a simple text: "I just got fired." I felt shocked, hurt, confused, and betrayed. He, of course, was feeling the same things. Over the next several days, we have discussed this decision and its effects on us from every possible angle, it seems. I'm not gonna lie. It's been tough. There have been tears, and even some anger. Some may think that I am being over-dramatic. It's not like we lost a family member, health, or our primary source of income. I realize that, and know that things could definitely be much worse. But it is still a big loss to our family and our way of life. Connor will miss the countless hours spent in the gym, I will miss our discussions about the ins and outs of coaching and basketball strategy (and trust me, we talk about this stuff A LOT!) and mostly, Tony will miss doing something he cares about deeply. As he put it, "They took my passion from me, and they didn't even ask me first."
As these feelings came, I quickly realized that I could not spend my time and energy dwelling on them. I kept thinking of the concept of the circle of concern vs. the circle of control, which is explained in the book "The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Teens," by Sean Covey. We use this book extensively in our volleyball program, and I love the concepts contained in it. I think this illustrations explains it well.
A reactive person focuses on the things that are outside their circle of control, such as past mistakes, things that worry us, how other people act, and what other people say. When we focus on these things, we quickly become a victim and feel as if we have no influence. However, when we choose to be proactive, or focus on our circle of control--how WE act, what WE say, the attitude WE have--we become empowered. We quit blaming others, and we give ourselves the chance to learn and grow. As we put our focus and energy on our circle of control, our circle of influence actually grows.
My sister-in-law sent me this wonderful quote the other day, which goes along perfectly with my desire to focus on my circle of control. "Ensured with agency, you and I are agents and we primarily are to act and not just be acted upon. To believe that someone can make us feel offended, angry, hurt, or bitter diminishes our moral agency and transforms us into objects to be acted upon. As agents, however, you and I have power to act and to choose how we will respond to an offensive or hurtful situation." -David A. Bednar
So what can we choose to do in a situation where initially we feel hurt and powerless? Tony and I have discussed this question at length, and I want to share a few of the thoughts we have had.
We can, once again, LEARN. I already wrote about this in a previous blog post,
Lessons Learned as the Coach's Wife. There are lessons to be learned in every situation. It is our responsibility to try to learn them. I read this a couple days ago: "The same winds that buffet and threaten to overwhelm us also sow the seeds of change and growth." I know this is true. As we focus on what we can learn, I have found my negative feelings begin to fade away. I have had to choose, many times over the past few days, to refer to my blueprint. I know who I want to be. Are my actions getting me closer to that goal? Or do I need to redirect myself a bit? I know that I want to be more understanding, more forgiving, and give others the benefit of the doubt. I can choose to remember this, and work toward it.
We can choose to teach our children the lessons we are learning. As I talked to our kids about this decision, I was extremely careful to not place blame. Rather, I pointed out that no matter what other people say or do, we know how hard Dad worked and how much he cared, and we can be proud of that. Together, we tried to find the positive. The kids and I talked about things we might be able to do now with our time, and decided that we will probably still go to the gym a lot. We decided that we will still go to all the home games (maybe even some away games) and cheer for the team like we always have. We love doing those things, and we still can.
We can control how we interact with and support people that are going through a hard time. We have been amazed and humbled by the people that either through text messages, a card, or their spoken words, have shown us love and support over the past several days. One family brought us treats on Sunday, just to let us know that they care. A man who Tony doesn't even know well, but had heard about his situation, approached Tony in the store just to tell him to keep his head up and to let him know that he thinks he did a good job. I have had similar experiences. These have made me want to do better in that regard.
When I first saw this quote, I immediately felt like a victim of this truth. But as I have thought more about it, I realized that the opposite is also true. Those who have spoken kindly have done much to repair damage done. I can choose to speak kindly to and about others.
We can choose to support the new coach and the program. I think, as humans, our initial instinct, when we haven't had the success we hoped for, is to want others to fail, too. This doesn't serve any positive purpose, and only makes us bitter. We know that going to the games next winter may not be easy, especially at first. But we honestly hope that whoever is hired will do a good job and that the kids in the program will have a positive experience. It's what we have wanted for them all along, and it's what we still hope for.
I told Tony that I was going to write this today, and asked him what I needed to be sure to include. He said that it's important for us to realize that God has a purpose for every experience of our life. What Tony wants most is to help fulfill that purpose, rather than waste it. Whether we are supposed to learn something important, whether we are supposed to help someone else, or whether we are being led in a new direction, we need to do all we can to do what is intended for us, rather than sit around and be victims of our circumstance. I agree.
I think this process of learning from life is interesting. I am grateful for the things I learned as a coach's wife that helped prepare me for this challenge. With that in mind, I know that there are things that I will learn from this that I will need for future experiences. It's not like my AP Calculus class, where I learned everything I needed for one test, passed the test, then quickly forgot it all! I may not need to know how to do calculus now, but I definitely need to refer to previous learning as I go through new experiences.
When I initially told the kids that their dad wasn't going to coach anymore, they didn't say anything. Mylie quietly cried, and then finally said, "Sometimes life just isn't fair, is it?" I'm sure she's heard that somewhere before. I agreed with her in the moment. I have, however, thought a lot more about that, and have questioned how accurate it is. I do think that if I focus on what is unfair about the situation, I will be left a bitter and hateful person. If that's all I'm left with, then yes, life is unfair. But if I can choose to focus on my circle on control, and do things that will broaden my positive influence, then maybe it isn't so unfair after all. Maybe good, and even great things, will come from this. Maybe the trade-off could possibly work in my favor or bless others. Then are things really so unfair? Perhaps not.
"It has been said that strong men and women are like kites--they only rise higher when the winds of opposition come against them." I like this analogy. Maybe I understand it so well because we know a little about wind where we live. Every once in awhile, however, the wind can take a kite down. Sometimes, we go into a nose dive that we can't seem to pull out of, and we crash into the ground. But if we will have the courage to get back up, let the wind work on us again, but this time keep our focus on the things we can control, we can rise higher than ever before.
