Swim Lessons for Mariah

This summer, I only had one kid take swim lessons. Kinda weird. But Mariah loved every minute of it, and is SOOOO close to being able to swim completely on her own. She'll have it down in the next year, I'm sure. Here are a few pics...

 I love how these next three pictures show her personality so much. I was trying to get a good smiling picture of her outside the pool, but there were a couple other people standing there as well, so she felt super shy. 

What a beautiful little swimmer!

12th Anniversary

For our anniversary this year (12 years already!!), we headed to Utah for an overnight trip. We stayed at an awesome hotel, the Zermatt Resort, in Midway. It was decorated in Swiss style, and was really nice. We ate dinner there at the resort, and also went swimming in an old crater. The water was the perfect temperature, and it was just really an interesting little pool to soak in. So relaxing.

The next day, we headed south to Provo. We went to the temple and then had lunch at our favorite place, Tucanos. Delicious!  It was a short, but super great trip, and we loved every minute.

I feel so blessed to have spent the past 12 years with such a wonderful man. He is such an amazing husband and father, and I want to be better because of him. I can't wait for the rest of eternity with this guy!

To the Edge of the Light, and a Few Steps into the Darkness

Yesterday, my kids went back to school. Tony did not. He did this instead.

This isn't necessarily a new job for Tony. He grew up on the ranch and has been spending his summers working on it for the past 13 years.  It's just that it's September now, and for the past 9 Septembers, he's been welcoming kids back to school.  He enjoyed teaching and was good at it.  He has a special way with kids, and is especially good with the kids he worked with in his profession as a special education teacher.

But after nine years, he was ready for a change.  This decision was not made hastily, and it wasn't an easy decision to make.  But we've known for a long time that it is a decision we would most likely make someday. To explain how difficult and slow-coming this decision has been (for me, anyway), we need to go all the way back to my teenage years.  Those who knew me in high school often get a kick out of the fact that I'm married to a rancher.  That was NEVER the plan.  I didn't grow up on a ranch, and I had no intention of ever living on one...or so I thought.  I wasn't a city girl by any means, and I always wanted to live in a small town.  I just couldn't see myself ever living on a ranch.  I couldn't understand the draw and felt like it wasn't for me.

Then I met Tony.  I found out right away that he grew up on a ranch, but he was going to college to be a teacher, which is the only lifestyle I knew, and I loved it.  And I loved HIM.  Almost immediately.  We both wanted to live in a small town, and we had so much in common with our interests and our goals.  I suppose I knew somewhere deep inside that I might end up on a ranch, but I married him anyway.  And I am grateful every single day for that decision.

Tony began his teaching career right here in his home town, and we built a house on his family's ranch right away.  It didn't take long at all for me to love living on the ranch.  (You can read more about that in a post from six years ago here.)  But I was still very happy with him only working summers and continuing to teach.  

A little over four years ago, Tony's dad ran for Governor of Wyoming.  At that time, Tony approached me asking how I would feel about him quitting teaching and starting to ranch full time if his dad were to win the election and move to Cheyenne.  It really takes at least two people to run the ranch, and they would be left very short-handed if his Dad were to move.  I didn't like the idea, but agreed that we needed to think about it and pray to find out if it was right.  I did pray, although hesitantly, and had an answer come to me through some song lyrics:

"Be still, my soul: Thy God doth undertake

To guide the future as he has the past.

Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;

All now mysterious shall be bright at last."

I remembered all the previous times of uncertainty in my life, and I knew that Heavenly Father had always provided a way for things to work out.  I knew I had received an answer....but it wasn't the answer I really wanted.  I was scared of change.  I didn't know all the details.  I loved my life just the way it was. I wanted to have my next ten years written out for me, every detail, before I could be okay with this big of a decision. Every time I thought about this change, I cried.

It turns out that he didn't win the election.  Nothing changed.  And I was grateful.  But I knew this decision would come up again sometime.  I decided we would think about it again once our youngest child was in school and I could get a job, maybe even one that would provide health insurance.  I liked the control I felt with this type of thinking. I would be able to put it all on paper and plan for it years in advance.  Then I could move ahead with the change.

Obviously, my youngest child is not in school yet.  In fact, our youngest child has not even been born yet. And I don't have a job.  So clearly, something changed in me during these last few years.  I suppose it started as I saw Tony go through some difficult challenges in his job the past few years, both in teaching and coaching.  There were many nights that he just seemed physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted.  He still got up every morning with a smile and headed off to work, always doing his best.  But I felt like something had changed.  Something was lacking.  

At some point during the past school year, Tony told me that his parents would like to go on a mission sometime in the next few years.  He wondered if we might be ready to take over working on the ranch when they were ready to go.  I hesitantly agreed, figuring I had some time in the "next few years" to figure out some concrete plans. By spring, Tony said he was ready to make the change as soon as I was.  I told him I think this needed to be a matter of prayer, and he agreed, but said he had already prayed about it and had his answer.  But he also made sure I understood that he saw this as a joint decision and that we would not make this decision unless we both felt it was right.  Once again, I felt overwhelmed at all the unknowns, but decided to pray about it.  I understood how badly he wanted to ranch, and I did want him to be happy.  But I also wanted to do what was truly best for our family, and details like income, insurance, and retirement kept me feeling uneasy about things.  As I prayed, I didn't feel any answer at first.  We finally got to the point where we needed to make a decision very soon so the school district would have time to hire somebody if Tony were to resign.  That week, we went on vacation.  I had a lot of time to think about things, and we discussed this decision from every angle.  It was finally on the long drive home that I got my answer.  It came in a strange, unexpected way.  Tony was just talking about how much he loved the things they do in the fall on the ranch and how he hadn't been a part of those things since he was a kid.  As I listened to him talk about the ranch in that way, and I looked at his face, I had an overwhelming answer.  I had never felt such a strong desire for his happiness.  And I also realized how much happiness I felt when he was truly happy.  The emotion hit me so hard I started to cry.  The decision was made that day.

I couldn't deny the answer I had received, and I knew it was right, but the controlling part of me was still struggling with all the details of it. Then I read this quote from Elder David A. Bednar.

"Assurance and hope make it possible for us to walk to the edge of the light and take a few steps into the darkness—expecting and trusting the light to move and illuminate the way. "

I knew that is what I had to do. I didn't need to see the end from the beginning. I just had to trust my answer, walk to the edge of the light, or what I knew, and step forward again. And the fulfillment of this promise has been overwhelming. The light truly has moved along with me and illuminated the way through every decision. Our biggest worries have been resolved, one by one. And each time it happens, my confidence in our decision grows even stronger. This truly is what is best for Tony and for our family, and I am grateful for the lessons I have learned through this process.

I can already see so many benefits of having Tony be a full-time rancher, none of which can be measured in any concrete way, but that are even more important to me than insurance or retirement. Perhaps this is the biggest one.

Brady LOVES to be with his dad, and now he can...a LOT! He goes out with him almost every morning, and often stays with him most of the day. He loves every minute of being with his dad. How many kids get that kind of bonding time with their dad? And since I would love for my sons to become just like their father, I can't imagine a better way for them to learn from him. I even went with them today to do chores. We talked and laughed and just enjoyed being together. And as I left the two of them to go back home, I looked in my rear view mirror. I saw Tony hoist Brady up onto his shoulders to head to the hay field, and they shared a smile that was more than a smile. It was pure joy. My assurance was strengthened yet again. Through my tears of happiness, I looked ahead into the bright sun, and my path was truly illuminated.

Praise Matters

In my previous post, I talked about self-esteem and how it has very little to do with what others think of us. I talked about the desire that we have as parents to give our kids self-esteem through constant praise. Although I don't think this can work, I do believe that praise is vitally important in the growth of our children (and all us adults, for that matter.)  It is perfect normal for us to want to praise our kids. We love them. We think they are great!  A couple weeks ago, I saw a girl with a shirt that said:

 "If God had a fridge, your picture would be on it."

I loved this! Our Father in Heaven loves us and is proud of the great things we do.  As parents here on earth, we feel the same way about our children. And when we feel proud of them, I think it's good to let them know.

Here comes the "however."  As much as praise is important, we need to be deliberate in the way we give it. We need to be aware of the words we use, what we praise, and the subtle messages that are sent based on the type of praise we give.

The first thing we need to consider is what we praise--ability or effort.  There have been many studies done on this exact thing, and the results are astounding.  Rather than try to re-write the study myself, I will share this video. It does a fabulous job of explaining these two types of praise and the effect it has on the one being praised.



So, in addition to praising effort and process rather than intelligence or ability, I would add that we need to be careful about praising winning.  I've become increasingly aware in the last several months of the percentage of my facebook news feed that is about somebody's kid winning something.  Although I think it's okay to be proud of your kids when they win or achieve their goals, I think if we are over-the-top proud of them when they win, but then say nothing when they lose, we send a subtle message--unintentional, of course, but possibly quite harmful--that we are only proud of them when they win.

This same subtle message carries over to being "varsity" or "the star" as well.  When our child isn't the best on the team, it is very tempting to try to build them up by tearing other kids down, or blaming the coach for their "failure." But is it really a failure? I don't think so.  If he or she is working hard and doing their best, then they are succeeding, regardless of their role on the team.  By making a fuss about their role, we are sending a subtle message: "Anything less than varsity (or high scorer, or some certain position) is not good enough for me. I feel ashamed of you." I know this is NOT the message we want to send.  We need to watch ourselves carefully in this situation and how we handle it.

I read an account recently of an 8th grade boy who lives and breathes football.  He knows the game and gives 100% every time he steps on the field. At tryouts, he gave it his all, and impressed the coaches with his determination and knowledge of the game.  As teams were being determined, the coach approached him and praised him for his effort during tryouts, but then informed him that he's just too small at 100 lbs. to play varsity.  He then told him that the JV needed a leader, and that with his work ethic and knowledge of the game, he would be the perfect player to lead that team if he could accept his role.  He went home to his mom with this heavy on his mind.  He was tearful as he explained to her the situation and his disappointment.  She handled the situation like a champ and praised him for his effort as well. She then told him that he had an important decision to make and left it at that. She didn't cave into the temptation to bash the coach or put the other players down in an attempt to help her son feel better about the situation.  Because of this, after thinking about it for a couple days, he told his mom that he was going to do his best to lead the JV to their best season ever!  So often, this situation ends with the kid just quitting and missing out on the chance to learn, grown, and develop as a player, and more importantly, as a person.  I applaud this mother for keeping things in perspective and allowing her son to grow in the role he has been given.

The last type of praise I've thought a lot about over the past several years is what I call "comparison praise." Statements like, "Wow! You're the best one on the team!" "You were the cutest kid on stage." "I bet you're the smartest kid in your grade, aren't you?" are all well-intended, but I believe they have a very negative impact on our kids.  Whenever I hear somebody dole out one of these all too common type of compliments to one of my kids, I cringe. I think the message is that what we do is always in comparison to others and we unintentionally teach our kids to compare.  Let's face it. There are a lot of people in this world. Over 7 billion. So there's a pretty good chance that no matter how good you are at something, there is somebody out there better than you.  And the flipside is true as well.  No matter how bad you are at something, there's bound to be somebody worse.  Because of this, comparing ourselves to others seems like a silly waste of time and energy, and I want to help my kids avoid falling into this practice.  Instead, we can focus on individual effort and improvement.  Instead of "You were the best singer up there!" we can say, "You must have worked hard to memorize all those words!" or "Wow! You're really getting better at singing. You must be working hard in music class!"  I feel like this kind of praise is much healthier for our kids than trying to convince them that they are THE BEST.

So, as a new school year and sports season is upon us, I hope that we all (parents, coaches, teachers, etc.) will pay attention to the efforts our kids are making in their various activities. Chances are, they're giving it their best!  And then, let's really think about the praise we are giving and strive to help our kids grow through deliberate praise.  Let's praise these kids into becoming the best they can be!  Remember....

Self-Esteem

Perhaps the best thing about a couple of my hobbies, and possibly the main reason I love them so much, is the time I have to think. I'm the type of runner and gardener that never listens to an ipod. My own thoughts can keep me occupied for hours.  And this summer, there has been one topic that just keeps coming back to me:

Perhaps if you are a young child (ok, so none of them are reading this blog) or an elderly person, you don't think much on this topic. But for teens, young adults, and parents with great concern for their own children, self-esteem is a pretty big deal. We want to have it. We want our children to have it. In fact, as a parent myself, I wish I could just "gift" some self-esteem to each of my children.  But I'm quite certain I can't do that.  I only hope that maybe I can teach them how to find it.

I think we are tempted as parents to just shower our children with compliments, falsely believing that these verbal doses of confidence will somehow infuse our children with great self-esteem.  However, I have seen many times (and have experienced this myself) that if we don't believe a compliment from another person is true, we simply dismiss it.  Self-esteem is just as the word says: SELF-esteem.  It really has very little to do with the way others esteem us.  It is a beautiful confidence that comes from within.  We know it when we see it. People with healthy self-esteem stand up for themselves rather than caving to outside pressures. They aren't too worried about being popular. They are content with who they are and are happy for others when they succeed.  They love life and are genuinely happy.  Isn't that what we all want?   So how do we achieve it?

I have heard in many church lessons that knowing who we are is the secret to self-esteem. Basically, if I understand that I am a child of a Heavenly Father who loves me, then I'm set.  I think this is a vital ingredient of self-esteem, but I don't think it is all we need. I have seen many people who believe this completely but still have low self-esteem, viewing themselves as a pretty lousy son or daughter of God, who really doesn't even deserve His love.  I have known who I am since I was a young child. I have felt that I have a Heavenly Father who loves me and wants me to be happy.  But I have also felt many times that as part of this mortal existence, He wants me to find that happiness.  And it isn't always easy.

So HOW? How do we go about gaining that happiness that comes from within?  The best explanation I have come across is from "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens" by Sean Covey.  He explains that how you feel about yourself is like a bank account. He calls it the "personal bank account", or PBA.  Basically, like an account at the bank, we can (and constantly do) make deposits and take withdrawals from our PBA.  The more deposits we make, the more secure we feel in ourselves. However, if we are constantly taking withdrawals, we can bankrupt the account. When our account is in this state, we find ourselves caving to peer pressure easily, wrestling with feelings of depression and inferiority, being overly concerned with what others think of us, acting arrogant in an attempt to hide our insecurities, adopting self-destructive behaviors, or being jealous of others who are happy or successful.

I think people also have a false belief that there is some kind of million dollar deposit out there.  For example, if I looked like a model, or won a championship, or had the best-looking boyfriend out there, that would magically load up my account, and I would never worry about self-esteem again. But we have to remember that for each deposit, there is an equal and opposite withdrawal. So, if something happened that took away your great looks, or that boyfriend broke up with you, you would be right back to bankrupt. I wouldn't call that a healthy or secure account.  Actually, small deposits here and there over time is the best way to build a strong and secure PBA.

Here is Covey's list of possible deposits and withdrawals:

PBA DEPOSITS                                         PBA WITHDRAWALS
Keep promises to yourself                            Break personal promises
Do small acts of kindness                              Keep to yourself
Be gentle with yourself                                  Beat yourself up
Be honest                                                     Be dishonest
Renew yourself                                             Wear yourself out
Tap into your talents                                      Neglect your talents

I'm sure you all have that one friend who began exercising and eating right awhile back, and now he or she looks AMAZING and has great self-esteem.  It's easy to assume that the self-esteem gained is from looking AMAZING, right?  I don't think so.  I would imagine that for that person to completely transform their health, they have undergone a series of kept promises to themselves. They have woken up in the morning to work out when they committed to themselves that they would. Each day that they follow their nutrition plan, they put a deposit into their PBA because that is another promise to themselves that they kept!  When they had a bad day, rather than beating themselves up over it, they were gentle with themselves--another deposit!  Also, maybe they have found a new talent along the way--they never knew they were so good at motivating others--and have tapped into that talent and developed it. Even more deposits.  This is just one example, but I think we often only see the surface things about a person's self-esteem and don't look to the roots of how they may have developed that sought-after trait.

Although I think Covey's list is excellent, I think it is pretty short.  There are lots of other ways to make deposits. I was able to witness one of these in action this summer with my oldest daughter, who is eight. Mylie raised a steer for 4-H this year for her first time. Now, for Mylie, who weighs just over 50 pounds, even her small steer, who weighed over 1000 pounds, was quite intimidating to her.  A small jerk of his head when she was holding his halter really jerked her around and made her feel like the steer was going to try to get away from her.  She had several days that she felt so scared to show her steer at the fair and just wanted to quit.  But the next morning, she would go back out and work with him again.  Although she was nervous on the day of the show at fair, she walked into the ring with that steer she had worked so hard with, and she did it! The look on her face on the way out of the show ring was priceless!

That huge smile has everything to do with how she felt--I did it!!--and nothing to do with the red ribbon.

Facing your fears and doing hard things are definitely deposits into our PBA!  In fact, I was able to help her carry this experience over to another experience where she was nervous as well.  She was asked to sing in church, and she didn't want to do it. She told me she was scared to sing in front of so many people. I said, "Well, if there's one thing I know about you, it's that you are REALLY GOOD at doing things that scare you!" With a little grin, she said, "Yeah, I guess I am." And she sang.

If you are struggling with self-esteem, or you are a parent who would like to help your children attain it, I believe it is helpful to think of it in this concrete way. First, know who you are--a child of a loving Heavenly Father, who, more than anything, wants you to be happy. Then, know that He wants you to find that happiness, one small act (or deposit) at a time.

Our June (from behind the camera)

This post would become WAY too wordy if I tried to cram in everything we did this past month. So we'll let the photos do most of the talking...

Mylie went to gymnastics camp at BYU. Loved it!

Mariah and Brady came with us for the week as well and we traveled from Heber to Provo each day. We stopped one day at Bridal Veil Falls. The kids loved it there. So beautiful!

Tony and I went on an awesome date.

We can't have June without baseball. Connor loved it this year--Mylie not as much. But playing on a team with cousins is the best! Brady loved baseball this year too!

Connor and Mylie had a piano recital at our house.

We spent a fun family night down at our cabin before it's crazy booked up for the rest of the summer.

The girls and I made some awesome pallet flags for our yard.

And we've had plenty of fun right here at home. The trampoline is a favorite around here.

Have I mentioned I love summer? And I LOVE my life??

Piano Practice--Our New Method

I've been teaching Connor and Mylie piano lessons for the past few years now. It's definitely been an up and down experience, I'd say. There has been progress, but it has been in spurts, and the motivation definitely comes and goes.   Last fall, I became very frustrated with what was going on with their practice sessions. They were just going through the motions at each practice session--just putting in their time. They weren't fixing any mistakes, and just continuing to play the same half-hearted way each day until they heard that blessed sound of the timer beeping, letting them know that they were off the hook for at least another day.  By Christmas break, I realized that we were really struggling and hadn't seen much progress in their ability level for quite a while.  I knew that in order for something to change, something had to change!  

I decided I needed to think about the science behind talent, which I have read about and studied in Daniel Coyle's fabulous book, The Talent Code.  I knew that my kids weren't getting into that mode of "deep practice," which is needed for talent to grow and for improvement to increase.  But I still wasn't sure how to get them there.  Thankfully, Coyle has also written a fabulous little book called The Little Book of Talent which is basically a collection of practical tips based on his study of talent.  I decided to read it and see if I could find anything that might be helpful with my piano dilemma.  I read the first several tips, and although they were good, I wasn't finding quite the right things for my situation.  The next time I sat down to read, I decided to pray first and ask that I might be able to receive some kind of inspiration along with the information I needed to help my kids progress at the piano.  This is really important to me, and our loving Heavenly Father understood that.  As I read that night, idea after idea came to me. I finally had to get out of bed and grab my notebook and pen so I could write them down.  Thanks to The Little Book of Talent and some inspiration, I was able to come up with a method that we have been using since January.  Everything has not been perfect since then, but it has been incredibly better, and the rate of improvement has increased dramatically!  So here's what we're doing.

I decided that having "practice time" was just asking for them to go through the motions. Instead, we now have "practice tasks."  Each day, they have a list of tasks that they must complete in order to be done with their practice session.  Rather than "play through this song 3 times," the task is something like, "play two sections of this song, each three times perfect."  That way, they have to be working toward mastery, stopping to fix mistakes rather than just repeating the same ones over and over.  At the beginning of each practice session, I play through each song for them so they know how it should sound when it is perfected (blueprint in the mind to compare themselves to...very important!)  It has been amazing to see them dig in and truly practice, being determined to get it perfect rather than just get through it.  Once each section of the song has been mastered, then they put the song together and work on perfecting the entire thing so they can "pass it off" and move onto a new song.  At this point, they just play the song straight out of the book. They work on three songs at a time, as well as sets of flashcards or scales that also can be "passed off."

Here is how I divided up the songs into sections so they can focus on one section at a time rather than being tempted to just rush through the entire song.  First, I cut the songs into sections that make sense based on the phrasing of the song. At the level we are at, songs are typically 2, 3, or 4 sections.

Then I put the sections into a little ziploc bag. When a section is mastered (played perfectly three times) they put a star on that section so they don't accidentally do the same section the next day.

This may seem a little tedious. I'm not gonna lie, it is. But it is important to me that we spend our practice time better, and it is proving to be a much better way.  I typically sit down in a session and print, cut, and bag about 10 songs from each book we are working in.  From January to now, I have only had to do this three times, so it's really not that bad.

Next, we organize all this in a folder. The bottom picture is an example of a typical day's practice plan. (Note: In this plan, she is working on four songs. This is because we are preparing two songs for a recital, and so we are taking a break from flashcards or scales.)

Finally, a little MOTIVATION was needed. We decided on some incentives, and then made sticker charts to see their progress.  Each sticker represents one song (or scale, or set of flashcards) "passed off."   After twenty stickers are earned, there is a reward.  We decided that four charts would get us somewhere into the summer (we hope), so we made the incentives get increasingly better with each chart. The first chart reward was going out for ice cream or milkshakes. (And it was AMAZING how happy they were with that reward after, honestly, a lot of work.) The second chart was for an outing of ice skating or roller-skating.  Chart number three is for dinner or a movie, and the final chart will be a trip to Lagoon.  After that, we will start small again, and work our way up toward a larger incentive.

Of course, my hope is that somewhere along the way, the motivation will begin to be intrinsic, rather than extrinsic. For Mylie, I'm already starting to see some of that, as she'll go to the piano and play on her own at times aside from her practice. For Connor, I'm still waiting and hoping.

One final fun thing that we have done, is every once in awhile (maybe once a month or so), in place of their typical practice session, we have a "pop quiz day." I select a song that I feel is on their level, but that they have never seen before.  I set down a timer and a dollar on the piano.  They have fifteen minutes to try to play the entire song perfectly.  If they can do it, the dollar is theirs.  If not, they've had some good practice sight reading, and they get out of their "normal" practice, which is a good thing once in awhile.  They have liked that fun addition.

With this method, we don't have any official lessons. They just pass songs off as they perfect them, and the following day, they start a new song. This does mean that I have to be available during their practice time, since almost daily, they make an attempt to pass off a song.  But this is just one more small inconvenience that is worth it to me for the progress.

So, for any of you struggling to teach your own (or other) kids to play the piano, or another musical instrument, maybe there might be an idea in here that would be beneficial to you.  If not, maybe some of the concepts behind developing talent (deep practice, blueprint, chunking, motivation, etc.) may help you in your attempts to develop another talent.  If any of this is really interesting to you, check out Daniel Coyle's books. They are not only interesting, but will change the way you view talent and work to develop your own.